1. Invite your friend out for a drink at a pub. When the pub just so happens to have a theatre in it, casually suggest that you see what’s on that evening. Get two pints in them before you go into the show and, guaranteed, they will either really enjoy the play or pass out during. Either way, you’ve got a companion for a thrilling night of theatre. You can use this ruse several times as there are more pub theaters in London than you can dramatically shake a stick at.
2. Tell your friend the play is a “live-action film.” When they ask what film, describe the plot and then finish with a pretentious “it’s an indy film.” They will be so intrigued that they won’t realize they have been tricked until the play is over, or ever (depending on the quality of the play and gullibility of the friend). This trick has the potential to work several times if successful the first time. Just keep inviting that friend to more “live-action films” until they take up wearing a scarf and providing a long-winded analysis of Brecht to people at parties. At this point, you should kill your friend immediately, for their own good.
3. Promise your friend that you will pay for their ticket if they come with you to the play. Lured by the promise of free entertainment, they come with you to the play. Just before the play begins, lean over to them and explain that you are not charging a “friendship fee” in the exact amount of the price of their ticket.
4. Use a classic technique, such as offering your friend a small furry animal, candy, or alcohol if they come with you to see a play. Continuously promise that they can have their treat when the play is over, pacifying them through the evening. Once the play is over tell them there never was a small furry animal, candy, or alcohol for them and watch their child-like dreams die before their eyes.
5. If a friend is reluctant to go to the theatre with you, lure them with stories of celebrities. Think back to anytime you or anyone you know has met a famous person. Exaggerate and alter the story to imply that celebrity regularly visits this theatre and is often seen hanging at the bar after the play. If the play has celebrities in it, tell your friend that it is common for these actors to have a drink with fans after the show. Once the play is over, break the truth to your friend and watch their child-like dreams die before your eyes.
6. Tell your friend that the theatre will make them smarter and more cultured. Expand on how the greatest minds in history watched theatre and that theatre is like books for your eyes. Envelope them in the wit, the drama, and the magic of the stage. Once at the play, point out every dick joke in Romeo and Juliet. (Hint: it’s every time they say “sword.”)